am i really the monster here

 quickly to sum up how I got here 


I started abusing prescription pain meds when I was 14 years old. by the time I was 16 I was strung out on heroin really bad, and this addiction continued all the way until I was pregnant and 21!

I tried to get clean off of drugs by taking doctor prescribed methadone medication. the only problem was my partner was still strung out on the other stuff and had no interest in trying to get clean! Here is where the problem lies with a person who is an addict. they are 99 percent more likely to relapse on drugs when the drug is in their faces, all day, every day.

I was suppling all the habits because I was the only person in the relationship with an income. Money was tight and my medicine was expensive, I not only had to supply me but his stuff as well and the dreaded time finally came, the one where I knew I'd be faced with either getting his fix or my medicine, my medicine was just as expensive as the rest of the drugs on the street and well I knew if I didn't get his fix I was going to hear about it, and by hear about it I mean have huge stressful fights that would go on for days and potentially become violent, it was going to be a problem. also you should note that a pregnant women cannot experience withdrawals because it will likely kill the child, so I thought to myself that I could do just a little bit of the other stuff to get me through until I have enough money to get us both well, and just like that all that work I did, was done for nothing because I was back to races with absolutely no control over craving.

shortly after all of this I find out the man that I thought was the love of my life was cheating on me with some whore while I was big pregnant with his child

even at the ultrasound this dude wasn't the least but interested with me or the baby but rather stayed on his phone messaging the bimbo

I lost custody of that baby boy and thankfully my family stepped up and did what I was unable to do because I couldn't get off the drugs no matter how hard I tried

years went by and I was in and out of jail and his life and finally around age 7 I was able to get clean 

I have been clean three years January 23rd, and I am very proud that I have achieved this goal that I once thought was impossible

I also would like to add in that I hate his dad and do not speak to him, he could die tomorrow, and I would be fazed 0 percent and just tell my son I'm sorry for his loss and pretend to be sad but in my heart, I would feel nothing

my son is ten now and I am working on figuring out how I can be a good mom to him all while not yanking him out of the only home that he knows, but here is where my concern lies at the moment

my son is very troubled he is kicked out of school he has been vaping and now is drinking monster energy drinks 

I'm trying to talk to my family who has custody of him and hopefully put some sense in their heads because they are letting him hang out with 17-year-old kids 

they are allowing him to drink monsters and have over all very bad behavior, that concerns me because he has addiction genes that runs on both sides of the family, I see these behaviors as a much deeper problem and fear he is eventually going to turn to drugs! 

he threatened to shoot the school up and no they took him out of school to home school him where he is cheating on all of his schoolwork and they're to blind to notice and now he's cheating learning nothing and rushing through his homework all while doing actually zero thinking

he stays up all night and sleeps all day. He gets whatever he wants and talks to them like shit 

this kid doesn't even make his own food and lays in bed and yells out from behind his Xbox screen and says can you make me some cereal and sure enough they rush to his aid 

he was caught vaping with the 17 year old whom is in no relation to the family but rather just a neighbor friend, his punishment was 15 days of no hanging out with him and now they're allowed to hang out again and well guess what they were caught vaping again, but here is the truth my dad allows my 10 year old to vape and I'm worried that eventually he will be allowed to do worse and worse things until he turns out just like I did  

how do I fix me so I can save him before it's too late?

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